Why aren’t you crappy bastards voting?

By Kimo Kuppe
It’s that time once again? The radio and television are clogged like the veins in my heart, only not with cholesterol and love, but with slanderous political ads! Yes, mid-term elections are upon us once again and Mr. and Mrs. American Voter are making their best efforts to ignore the democratic process. This is troubling. Why the hell are we so apathetic to democracy if we love it so much? The answer is simple, we don’t love it because it has become a travesty.

Politics are boring when you really look at it. It’s a lot of numbers and use of large confusing words put in manners that we are not used to seeing. They do this intentionally because they are all big fat jerks who want to sound important and know that the average voter won’t understand them but will nonetheless think highly of their cunning linguistic skills. Turning on your TV right now, or the radio, is the best way to see and hear the latest political ads. In some, they show people I don’t know running for a position I’ve never heard of and quite frankly don’t care to learn about. This attitude is most likely shared with many of you out there and is an important reason why people don’t vote. Go ahead, TRY to get excited about the newest state attorney, I freaking DARE you!

People don’t vote because people feel like their vote doesn’t matter. In the Presidential Election that’s true, because the Electoral College really decides who wins. I’d go into explaining why the Electoral College is important but there is a knife on my desk and I’m afraid I may stab myself out of anger. I think people have a hard time caring because most of the ways people get screwed by politics are so hush-hush and gradual it’s hard to sustain anger for a long period of time. If Gov. Pawlenty announced loudly that drinking was no longer allowed in bars and smoking was outlawed in this state, you can bet your ass that people would be paying attention.

Thing is, that won’t happen. Political technique has taught them to make outrageous decisions while everyone else is distracted by dumb stuff, usually a long time before elections are brought up. Clinton got mad at some guy who asked a dumb question recently and everyone on the news is acting like he jumped on him and tore a chunk out of his stomach, which he did in a proverbial sense but not in reality. This is to distract us from all that other important stuff going on that I can’t think of at the moment because it never gets reported on. The moral of the story is, the News is now the worst place to get news.

It’s this kind of system that leads to my outlook on the whole matter. And that is that the only way to make a quick and effective change in politics is to walk downtown and shoot the people in office. Unfortunately, this is frowned upon by colorless tightwads who call themselves the “police”, besides I’m pretty sure that suggesting people do this is illegal. But what led to me thinking this was the best solution? If our system is so bad that this is the best and only option to get change then maybe this isn’t such a bad idea. The people in power should be in constant fear of what we, the people, can and will do to them if they screw up.

For my sake and for yours, I suggest that you do not go shoot up Congress. It would be difficult and guns are expensive and violence isn’t the answer just yet. Voting is the best, easiest, and, this is important, the most LEGAL way to make a difference. If you don’t vote then you have no right to bitch about who won. It’s not like it’s hard, we have to fill out scantrons all the time here! I hate to use scare tactics but they work, currently the only people who vote are the elderly. Do you really want the elderly making your decisions for you?

Check one:
[ ] Yes!
[ ] No!
[ ] I AM elderly!

Please check one and send it in to the paper. I’ll be back in a month!