It is unfortunate that most of the people I was going to make fun of this month have died, and the last thing I need is more people glaring at me in the hallway.
But, I must comment on the Lions' Roar report on the InterVarsity Christian Fellowship's attack on The Onion last month. As a Gonzo Journalist and attempted humor columnist, I feel threatened when a comedic publication such as The Onion is under attack by crybaby Christians. Bear with me as I rant and rave about bible-thumping, Passion-watching and commandment-touting Christian zealot blowhards.
For several years of my childhood, I attended the local Lutheran church. I was never baptized, although a priest did try to drown me once, but that's another story. For those of you unfamiliar with Lutheran practices, it is essentially the laziest of the Christian denominations—which, in my book, puts them far above all the other Christian sects. I know many Christians. I've lived with them, partied with them and driven them home when they've had way too much of the sauce, so I know that they are still human beings. I don't like to pigeonhole groups of people, so I'd like to focus on the extremists who insist of being bigger attention whores than that horrible Paris Hilton skeleton monster.
It is a little-known fact that the baptismal water contains a chemical that causes you to feverishly seek out anything remotely obscene in the world, then draw as much attention to it as possible. If you don't believe me, watch any network news station when a report by the ubiquitous Family Values Group details the amount of filth on every station to the exact second. “Desperate Housewives” contained adult themes? Well, I never! “ Sin City ” isn't a child friendly movie? Surely you jest! It's a good thing my son is busy playing “Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas” so he won't witness such things.
These groups have accused Spongebob Squarepants of being gay! Spongebob isn't gay; He-Man was gay and the Smurfette was a practicing polyandrist! Christian zealots refer to homosexuals as if they were a military force going around attacking cities. I don't know why the Christians hate homosexuals so much. Maybe it's the anal intercourse, but I'm certain that there are plenty of straight couples that engage in the same activity.
I believe the real reason the Christian zealots are so hostile is that they are trying to hide their doubts in their own faith. They use scare tactics and bully those who are too afraid to stand up to them to get what they want. This is what happens to those little spoiled kids from elementary school when they grow up.
I say let The Onion stay, and let the people of InterVarsity Christian Fellowship of the Rings know that their God has no place within these walls, just as facts have no place within the tangled mess of their own minds. |
